i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
