i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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