White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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