I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
