By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I think my moral compass just broke
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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