My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
The adults are the big ones right?
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
