Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
As shirtless as possible
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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