You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Lo siento on account of my penis...
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