I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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