a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
that's an acceptable place to lick
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
