Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
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