I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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