i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
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