so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
