Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
