I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
