my phone needs a breathalizer
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
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