so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
