he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
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