my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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