did you get engaged???
I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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