you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
