I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
