yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
