i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
