I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
