Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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