JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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