i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
