Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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