Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
