I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
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