When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
