I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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