Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Randomize
