i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
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