mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
