Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I cannot find my penis.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
