Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Operation Purity has been aborted
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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