it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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