i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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