I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Randomize
