cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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