Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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