when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Randomize
