As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
