im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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