i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Randomize
