I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
