thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
